Fascination Nation

Reflexing

as the end of the year approaches it's natural to reflect on the past year.. to really acknowledge where we've arrived. i'll admit i am a past live-r. that aside, it's been a long year with a lot of growth in between, however painful/less. what sucks is how we have no idea where the fuck we're about to end up, and no imagination is ever accurate enough to percieve that prediction. life. unless perhaps one is so blessed with a sense for that gift. sure i believe that. but what's got me today is that i cant decide what im about to be, because i dont know, so i feel powerless because of my lack of control. self control maybe. but because i have no idea what's about to come, i have no idea how to prepare, except to imagine the possibilities and then go from there. um.. but that doesnt work. i got really into palmistry for that reason, a few years ago, trying to rationalize my life based on the lines that indicate my future, supposedly, my grandmother bought me a book. but it's a study that i've come to believe in and quit many a times because the lines talk to far ahead (that is..if they're talking at all) and i want details about tomorrow. so i read the past instead, constantly looking back constantly reading over. because time's a cycle, really. a full year round, i'd explain this better but i dont feel like it right now. so back to my point, things are constantly in the process of evolving and becoming something other than what they are currenty, fucking far from what they were. which means nothing ever stays the same because it's an impossibility. deep. i'd like to face some future version of myself just so i can one day be that future version that remembers what i was and didnt understand then what i would become. and all this shit kinda makes me sad because i remember all my relationships with people. friends i've kept, the ones where touch has been lost. i had this boyfriend one january two years ago now, and i can remember what we were to eachother and how after i went abroad and came back how far apart we had grown and i felt guilty for not being the same, not being able to see him as i did, and then suddenly we couldnt relate, and i felt shitty for forgetting, despite our correspondence. my long term memory in that situation was stronger than the short, if that makes any sense. what's the point? i lost it.

so the music was there, that's what brought on this reflection, i guess that's what brings you back. the music is always there, even when time is too much and you think the music is dead. but really it keeps on playing. constantly... changing.. deep.

posted by Alectrocution @ 5:13:00 PM